Category: Reality

holiday heart

i am falling for a drunk

he laughs with smile

meeting your eyes without breaking your gaze

i am falling for his illness

wishing i was enough

to help save him

not violent nor mean

wrapped in sadness

drenched in hopelessness

can he save himself?

i am in love with an alcoholic

worry fills me

our time isn’t now or ever

i cant help wish differently

you got your poem

I’m not one for words

but can

form sentences

to explain the buzz i

feel at the sight of your name

describe the rush

of heat in my cheeks

that time you wore

purple and those eyes

stared back at mine

the wave of ease i felt

sitting across the booth

making me smile

or meeting your eyes

to find a laugh in silence

you are the grand

unexpected , unraveling

feeling

more then you can see in yourself

i can still feel you staring back

at me

i miss you in intangible ways

so i write in reality

we are never going to be

making it absolute

wishing

it could be so different

yet i know this story so well

formulated feelings in

the form of words

has only pushed people away

so here is me pushing you away

i already knew how it would end

what broke your heart

closing my eyes to find
yours staring back into mine
i wake panicked
to find an empty room
the way you kissed me
moonlight across your back
moving to the sound
of a sleepless summer night
your pressure less frantic
your touch less stormy
your heart less cold
i close my eyes
his face pressed against
my back hands tied
across my chest
my heart stops
shaking off the thought
i try to let you in
to unfold my dark
corners
yet, even overtime
he still wins
forced entry,
slick tongue
rough hands
et et etched inside me
tangled in webs of roots
entwined with walls
so high i can’t see the sky
millions upon millions
of shards is my healing
broken heart cutting me inside
trying to learn to let him go

the last chapter of the relationship

it didn’t end the way most things do
there wasn’t words
or screams to look back on
it wasn’t long or dragged out
it didn’t cut like the
knives i used to drag
across my skin
it wasn’t crippling
it wasn’t anything
it was absolute and final
silent and haunting
it crept back in voided spaces
loud voices in quiet rooms
the silence louder than breaking plates
it was more lonely
then the loneliness
i felt with you

the world brought me to my knees

seven years feels like i fell asleep and woke up to a life I never dreamed about. My sister once asked me if I could go back to high school me what would I say. These are just a few of the questions I don’t think about and don’t realize the importance of what I’m actually thinking. When I look back at who I was seven years ago, I probably wouldn’t recognize her. That to me scares me, but not in a sad way. It scares me to know the dark places my mind can wander, the pain I known I can push to numbness and the reality of what could have been. I used to dream about the days where I didn’t have to wake up anymore. a life of dark , unimaginable and ultimately unfair thoughts that made me feel unrepairable. In seven years I have learned to love others, to accept things I cannot change and move more positively in a direction that is healthy for me and my well being. It has taken the past 2,555 days to feel like everything I have endured or set me back is beginning to show me everything I’ve been waiting for. I am not perfect, my set backs have been evident , I have pushed away this voice inside of me that will appear and tell me terrible things. I have learned to overcome it and sometimes I fail because I am human and not every day is perfect. And when I fail , I fail until I result to those scary dark thoughts and remind myself of the human I’ve grown into. One whose heart has healed and only has scarring , one who isn’t afraid to live, one who dreams of a future that I didn’t see before and work to have, and one who dreams of falling in love. I know that in seven years I have learned about myself more then ever before and that I continue to dig into myself no matter how much I don’t want to.
Specifically this year has given me more and more with every day. This summer was one I won’t forget, because it’s the summer I let my heart bring someone in. While it isn’t perfect and I know I’m not in love, I am learning to really let this wall that I have built for so long slowly come down. Not fast enough, but at a pace that is bringing a newer version of me out.
I finally feel clean of all the guilt I have carried for a majority of my life. Guilt that has brought me to my knees and have made me feel vulnerable to the point of breaking.
the more i have learned about myself the more i have come to value me and all parts of who i am. Some would even say I’m starting to learn what “loving” yourself means.