holiday heart

i am falling for a drunk

he laughs with smile

meeting your eyes without breaking your gaze

i am falling for his illness

wishing i was enough

to help save him

not violent nor mean

wrapped in sadness

drenched in hopelessness

can he save himself?

i am in love with an alcoholic

worry fills me

our time isn’t now or ever

i cant help wish differently

you got your poem

I’m not one for words

but can

form sentences

to explain the buzz i

feel at the sight of your name

describe the rush

of heat in my cheeks

that time you wore

purple and those eyes

stared back at mine

the wave of ease i felt

sitting across the booth

making me smile

or meeting your eyes

to find a laugh in silence

you are the grand

unexpected , unraveling

feeling

more then you can see in yourself

i can still feel you staring back

at me

i miss you in intangible ways

so i write in reality

we are never going to be

making it absolute

wishing

it could be so different

yet i know this story so well

formulated feelings in

the form of words

has only pushed people away

so here is me pushing you away

i already knew how it would end

Fin

this is the last chapter

of my heartbreak

it’s over , done

no longer lingers

in small pains that

hurt more than I

could admit

the love I grew

for you has

withered ,rotted Undone itself from

the cavity of my chest that

bled in the form of tears, darkness and confusion

you’ll always have the piece

i gave away but my smile

is genuine , my feelings pure

i hope you find the same Peace

i was searching for

no longer lies anger or

regret my eyes don’t wander into strangers

hoping to find you in them you’ll always be my best kept secret I’ll see you again, when we are both 12 feet deep

this is my goodbye

can you feel it?

it feels like home

eyes closed

our breathing

finding the comfort of sleep

your hand reaches

over to find mine

pulling me closer

kissing the inside

moving your body

Inches from mine

we don’t make attempts

but it’s the most intimate

forms of feeling wanted

that i have ever felt

say my name

it rolled off the tongue

without hesitation

a sea of apologies

following

sheepish and smug

was it so easy to confuse

me and say her name

while pulling me closer

could i have been

more naive to believe

anything less

you really hurt me this time baby

I whispered as I laid my head

between your chest

what broke your heart

closing my eyes to find

yours staring back into mine

i wake panicked

to find an empty room

the way you kissed me

moonlight across your back

moving to the sound

of a sleepless summer night

your pressure less frantic

your touch less stormy

your heart less cold

i close my eyes

his face pressed against

my back hands tied

across my chest

my heart stops

shaking off the thought

i try to let you in

to unfold my dark

corners

yet, even overtime

he still wins

forced entry,

slick tongue

rough hands

et et etched inside me

tangled in webs of roots

entwined with walls

so high i can’t see the sky

millions upon millions

of shards is my healing

broken heart cutting me inside

trying to learn to let him go

dying inside

tight chest

unable to breathe in new air

limp and scared

of what comes next

light turning to darkness

wind blowing

dirt throwing

buried in the ground

hands cold

eyes closed

this is what death looks like

the last chapter of the relationship

it didn’t end the way most things do

there wasn’t words

or screams to look back on

it wasn’t long or dragged out

it didn’t cut like the

knives i used to drag

across my skin

it wasn’t crippling

it wasn’t anything

it was absolute and final

silent and haunting

it crept back in voided spaces

loud voices in quiet rooms

the silence louder than breaking plates

it was more lonely

then the loneliness

i felt with you

it might be over soon

water seeping

through pinholes

to the sound of

your breaking heart

against the window

sunlight rising

between cracks

birds singing

“it’s a trap”

can you hear them singing?

it hurts less

my arms are

reaching,

grasping ,

pulling,

The wind is

blowing,

knocking ,

pushing,

my legs are

failing,

crawling,

stretching,

my mouth forms the

pleas

the wind drowns me out

i try ,

try ,

try

but im already under

let go,

give in,

close eyes

It’s the only way i know